Tuesday, December 28, 2004

AHHH...THE SIMPLICITY THAT IS MAN

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU BOYS........

Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Get rid of your cat.
Sunday = Sports
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
You have enough clothes.

AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE.....


Nothing says, "I love you," like sex.


Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Fortune Cookie

I had a delicious lunch with Lady Candyass Sharkbite today, we went to BOBO Cafe great litte Vietnamese spot, after we ate, we were given fortune cookies, and I do have to say for the first time in my life, it is correct. Here is what it said:

' RARELY DO GREAT BEAUTY AND GREAT VIRTUE DWELL TOGETHER AS THEY DO IN YOU '

SO IT'S OFFICIAL, I AM THE SHIZNIT BITCHES!!

On another note, my dog Mamas had puppies, 5 died but 5 are okay. The first born died, and the last 4 didn't make it to her birth canal. I know birth is a miracle, but couldn't miracles come self-cleaning? Maybe a bottle of bleach or Pine Sol included? It is a nasty process, mushy stuff, stinky stuff, sticky stuff, green stuff, blue stuff, red fish, blue fish. I still hold the puppies with rubber gloves, I wanted to bathe them, but found out we can't. Maybe my dog doesn't have good cleaning skills although she licks the hell outta her ass!

Christmas is coming up....Baa Humbug!


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Jester for the Universe

I have decided through all the bullshit I have been through in my life, from working shit jobs to support myself as a teenager, to living in basement apartments, to a not-so- well thought out move to the U.S, to a not-so thought out marriage, to...MY CAR BEING STOLEN!!!Now this is not a pity party for myself, it is my own personl vent. I really believe now more than ever, my meaning in life is to amuse the higher powers. I have figured out I am the amusement for the Universe! I can see it now.."Hey let's stress her out just a bit more, this may be the one!" I really believe there is a movie theatre that the most high sits in and amuses herself, with my plights in life. I swear if I hear "We are never given more than we can handle in life" one more time I'm going to have a BF (Bitch Fit for those who have not seen White Chicks)! Not to mention, I'm PMSing, And now have to deal with a dumb ass insurance adjuster who asks things like " Do you think you Husband would take it" or my personal favourite,

" When you went to the store were you alone?"
"Yes"
"Where was the store?"
" Madison & Hazel"
"What did you buy?"
"Chips and Soda" ( In a confused what the hell kind of question voice)
"How did you pay for it?"
"Ma'am, what does that have to do with my car being stolen?"
"Im trying to set up a timeline"
"OH-Okay....I paid with Cash"

What the hell??? I guess I should have gone into detail of my every move. Hoepfully all works out.

On a lighter note......

Rex Venom left me another comment on my blog, (some of you may think I"m wierd but I figured Lady Candyass Sharkbite was the only other person who read my blog) so for you Rex, I think Ellen is cool, and am flattered your friend likes my Journey's to the edge of reason. By the way...

REX VENOM ROCKS BITHCES!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

FOR THE LADIES (Not to Man Bash, but to keep it REAL)


1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2.Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. 3.Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
4.Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
5 .Slower is better.
6. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
7.If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
8.Don't settle.
9. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
10. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
11.The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
12 .Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
13. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
14 . Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
15. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
16. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
17. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
18. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
19. Never let a man define who you are.
20. Never borrow someone else's man.
21. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
22.A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
23 .All men are NOT dogs.
24. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street.
25.You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
26. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals... look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
27.Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
28. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
29.Never move into his mother's house.
30.Never co-sign for a man. (Hallelujah, thank you Jesus!)
31.Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others

IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO 5 OR MORE PLEASE FORWARD THE LETTER BELOW TO THE MAN IN QUESTION:


Dear ________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
(Check those that apply...)
___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___ Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___ The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine.
___ You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___ You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.


___ You still live with your parents.
___ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___ I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely, ______________________

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Out of the Mouth of Babes (And I don't mean Hot Chicks)

Children always remind us of what is important, here are some 4 - 8 year old kids idea of what Love is, we Adults should really take the time to enjoy love.


When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her
toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even
when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Rebecca- age 8
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When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
Billy- age 4
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Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne
and they go out and smell each other.
Kari- age 5
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Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French
Fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy- age 6
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Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri- age 4
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Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip
giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny- age 7
******************************** *************************************
Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of
kissing,
you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy
are
like that. They look gross when they kiss.
Emily- age 8
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Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening
presents and listen.
Bobby- age 7 (wow!)
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Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday.
Noelle- age 7
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Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still
friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy- age 6
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During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at
all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was
the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
Cindy- age 8
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My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing
me to sleep at night.
Clare- age 6
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Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Elaine- age 5
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Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is
handsomer than Robert Redford.
Chris- age 7
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Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone
all day.
Mary Ann- age 4
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When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars
come out of you.
Karen- age 7
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Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's
gross.
Mark- age 6
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You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica- age 8
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And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was
an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the
man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed
on top of the man's lap and just sat there.
When the boy's mother asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the
little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
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